


Thankful

by askthealien



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Grown up!Connor, Happy times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 15:32:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14621669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/askthealien/pseuds/askthealien
Summary: Connor Murphy wanted to die, now he's so glad he didn't.





	Thankful

Connor Lee Murphy almost killed himself in a park when he was seventeen. He wasn’t trying to, but he took a few too many pills, laid down the place he felt safest and one thing led to another. He was in such a depression that no one could help him with and he saw no end in sight. Luckily, he got a second chance. One that not a lot of people get and he was determined to make his life mean something. Now, at 35-years-old, as he’s sitting next to his sleeping three-year-old son, Connor is very thankful that he hadn’t been successful in his attempt.

Dominic Murphy was the light of Connor’s life. He liked coloring in the important books in Connor’s office and going to preschool at Kindercare and he was very excited to become a big brother in three months. Dominic had ‘helped’ Connor paint the nursery for his forthcoming little brother that morning. One of the perks of Connor being a writer was working from home and getting to spend time with his son. Usually you would be home by now, but Connor made you take a day off. You were about to be parents to two small children, so you felt a little guilty taking day to yourself and leaving Connor to be responsible by himself. But, Connor insisted.

Thinking back to himself nearly 20 years ago, he wished so badly to tell that kid everything good that would happen to him. He wanted to tell him that it would be a mere 10 years, eight months and 14 days from when he almost killed himself to when he met the love of his life at his sister’s wedding. He would love to tell his younger self about his career helping other mentally ill kids or about the friends that he would make. Granted, he wouldn’t have made those friends if he never made one of his biggest mistakes.

He turned down the TV. He and Dominic were watching an old Disney movie, but Dominic had fallen asleep nearly half an hour ago. Connor sat listening to his young son’s breathing. Dominic looked so much like him, he often found himself praying that he wouldn’t feel the same way he did. It took Connor a long time to come to terms with his mental illness, once he did he worried that he would never have a family. He thought no one would be able to love someone so broken. Luckily, he was wrong. You loved him with all of his faults no matter what.

He stood up picking the little boy up with him. Dominic cuddled into Connor’s neck. Connor walked upstairs to his son’s room. The room was filled with toys. You always told Connor not to spoil the kid, but he couldn’t help it. “I just want him to be happy.” He would say every time he came home with another stuffed dinosaur. “I worry about him, you know. I worry that he’s going to be like me.” You would wrap your arms around his middle and rest your chin on his shoulder as the two of you watched your son. A look of pride filled Connor’s face.

He tucked Dominic into the twin sized bed. The yellow and white blanket had been one that you had owned as a child. He kissed his son and started to walk out of the room. He turned back as he shut off the lights. The soft little boy turned over in his sleep. Connor smiled at him and left. When Dominic was first born, Connor was terrified to be around him. He loved him too much. What if it was in his blood to be a horrible father. His father was better now, but for most of Connor’s childhood he wasn’t a very understanding person. You had to take care of your son by yourself, which made you a bit resentful of your husband.

This caused you two to have a big fight, but at the end Connor realized how silly she had been. He held Dominic in his arms and fell in love with his little boy. It took a while for him to put Dominic down, again. Connor didn’t trust babysitters or even his own family. He didn’t want to miss a second of Dominic’s life. His office had a bookshelf filled with videos of your family. Whenever Connor felt down he would sit on the blue couch in his office and watch the videos, so he could be reminded of how far he had come.

The thought of having another baby, scared Connor, again. But he saw how good he could be as a father, as long as he tried. You two were great parents and you had an amazing support system. Zoe and Alana lived right now the street. Jared came over at least once a week. Evan wasn’t living in town right now, but he called you all the time to make sure that you guys were doing fine. He didn’t have to worry about anything anymore. His world was completely different than it used to be.

Connor went downstairs and stood in the quiet of your home. Quiet was something that he used to hate. Quiet used to mean that the thoughts he was so scared of would come around. Now, he didn’t fear the quiet. He didn’t fear his own mind. He had the occasional bad thought, but with the medicine and the therapy that was now a regular part of his life he was better than he could have ever pictured at 17. Connor realized that the reason his life was better was because now he was better. He was thankful for the help that his parents got him after his suicide attempt. He was thankful for how quickly his sister forgave him once he apologized. But more than anything, he was thankful that he was here and able to receive help and forgiveness.


End file.
